Category Archives: My Life

The Story of Two Wolves

Funny, this is my first post in over a year. Funnier still, I started this post about 3 weeks ago, and am just now finishing it off. But I think that tells you a lot about my life right now: NEVER “stable”, “safe” or “predictable”.

I have been dealing with depression over the past few months, some of it created from reasons I am not going to get into here, and some of it from past trauma that I am still trying to overcome. I am not a naturally depressed person. My normal state is happy and interested, but this time I have really been hit hard with overwhelming feelings of being caught in a whirlpool with no entrance and no exit. Thinking I just needed some rest, I have spent the last month really trying hard to organize my life. I know I feel better when I feel like I have control, so that is what I have been trying to regain.

The good news is that I think its working. By making sure that every bobby pin I own is attached to the magnetic strip in my bathroom drawer, I have actually started to feel better. Well, I don’t know that that did it, but by controlling what I can and accepting what I can’t control, I feel like I have REGAINED control… Wow, that’s a weird sentence. But it’s true.

In general, I think its really dumb to say you have control of toddlers. The truth is that they have control of you. You are on their schedule, cleaning up after their spills, making sure they are fed and clean. This is not something you think about or envision when you think about the joy of parenthood, but none-the-less it becomes the reality.

Marriage is the same thing, sort of. At least for me it is. His emotions, his schedule, all that controls my schedule because of the piece of paper that was signed by the Hamilton County clerk and our minister.

I am not going to lie to you and tell you that my life is perfect or that I love every minute of it. The last 2 months have proven to me just the opposite. I can feel like I have everything a person would want, but yet I can feel empty, alone and like I want to escape it all.

Whether or not this is my new year’s challenge post is up for debate. I think one of my main challenges for myself this year is to try to find happy again. I am working on it. But knowing that the end to finding happy is your eventual death makes it an exhausting task, because it will be a constant cycle of finding a new happy as you move through the stages of life. I am still trying to find it right now, but I think I am on my way.

Give me a break

How come night after night your kids can be perfect angels, but the one night you have to be up at 5am, they are up forty times making your life completely miserable? Just my kids? Well, crap.

We had so much trouble getting them to sleep last night. I had to drive them around Hays for at least 20 mins to knock Cub out, but Oz was still screaming relentlessly when we returned home. He was up until at least 9:30, when Chas finally put his foot down and just let him cry in his crib for a bit. Fortunately he was pretty worn out by then and fell asleep without too much of a fight.

It didn’t last for long. By 1am Oz was back at it again, not hungry, not even wet. Just awake. We were up until 2:20am when I decided to give the crib another try. He yelled for a little bit, but after about 10 minutes settled down. While I finally went back to bed, not even that lasted long. I looked up to Cub standing next to my bed at 2:37am. I took him to the bathroom, tried to get him back to his bed, but he refused and climbed in with Chas, who hadn’t moved by the way!

The alarm went off at 5:00am, and I was definitely not ready to get up. Lucy was whining wanting more water, and when the snooze went off, I finally got up. I usually go into the shop about 5:40am to get the books done before the boys get up, but while putting in my contacts, Oz started crying again. This time I just yelled at Chas to handle him so that I could go get my work done.

Needless to say the 3 hours I got from 10pm-1am was apparently all I was going to get last night. I wish my kids weren’t so dang cute so that I could be more mad about this! I love them anyway I guess!

The harsh realities of parenthood

Screenshot 2018-08-26 18.52.54I think one of my biggest fears in life is being the person that people dread walking in a room. And that’s not to say I want to be liked by everyone. That is impossible. Plus I hate most people, so I don’t expect them all to like me. But in this sense I mean walking into a room with my kid and someone whispering to the person next to them, “Oh no. Not them.”

Now, to clarify, when my boys start wrestling, and they walk into the gym I want everyone and their dog to say, “Oh No. Not the Thompson boys!” I just don’t want people saying that when we walk into pre-school, which happens to be the exact situation I currently find myself in. We are starting week 3 of pre-school with Cub. Let me just throw a few items out there so people know the situation:

  1. Cub turned 3 on June 28th.
  2. We don’t necessarily expect to send him to kindergarten when he is 5. We think 6 is probably going to be better for him maturity wise (and athletically).
  3. He has been potty trained for 4 weeks, but took to it like a champ and has only had 2 accidents in his 8 days. One of those accidents was during nap time, and the other was because the teacher didn’t get his pants off of him quick enough in the bathroom (yes, he still needs some help with the clothing stuff). I am not blaming the teacher…
  4. Last Sunday he had what I would consider a significant head injury. He was ankle tackled by a friend at a birthday party and smacked his head on a chair, I mean HARD, right across the bridge of his nose and left eye.
  5. He had just started talking around the first of May. He is hard to understand, but he is repeating everything you say and has a pretty good vocabulary if you listen to him. His annunciation is not great yet, but the difference from 6 months ago to now is REMARKABLE.
  6. Cub does have tantrums. He likes to get his way, but I in no way think that these are any different from most kids.

The first week of pre-school was challenging for Cub. It was the first time he went anywhere all day, all week. He was still sort of potty training so the whole situation was new for him. I got multiple calls from the teacher, checking in, talking about a tantrum or two he had thrown, but everything was pretty normal from my perspective.

Screenshot 2018-08-26 18.53.00Week two started out terrible. I was having a very rough day at work, went to pick Cub up at 5 and was bombarded with a swift, “We think Cub should go home from 11-2 for lunch and nap. He can be here from 8-11 and 2-5, but let’s have him go home for lunch and nap.” By the end of the week the conversation turned to sending him to a special ed. pre-school from 12-3 everyday. I mean, can someone help me connect the dots? Cub doesn’t nap easily, but he had been in the new environment for just over a week, they have already jumped to the conclusion that they don’t want him in a traditional pre-school classroom. The reports I have gotten have been nothing but good in terms of his cooperation, his involvement in activities, and interacting with his peers. But apparently because he won’t nap and can’t enunciate the same way other kids do he is now special ed.

I mean honestly. How is that fair?!? The kid has barely had a chance in the class. It makes me very upset. If you don’t want my son in your class, if you are the person who in your head is saying, “Oh no. Cub is here,” then just let me know, and I will take my dollars elsewhere.

Just a little rant on a Sunday night, but man am I stressed at the moment. If these people had met Cub in March, they would never believe the amount of progress he has made in 6 months. I tell you, this kid is going to be something. He is a special kid. He is smart, physically gifted, and doesn’t miss a beat. Someday these teachers are going to say, “Hey! That’s the kid that I kicked out of my pre-school class.” I can’t wait for that day.

Running from the Beach

Well, here I am, on day eight of a ten-day travel odyssey, and I can scarcely believe I’ve made it this far without collapsing into a heap of exhaustion. Since last Wednesday, life has been a whirlwind of suitcases, sunscreen, and sporadic Wi-Fi. From Florida’s sandy shores to California’s bustling streets, I’ve covered more ground in the past week than I usually do in a month. It’s been two weeks that feel like two years.

The first leg of this adventure was spent in Florida with Chas and the boys. Daytona Beach and Disney World were the highlights, and let me tell you, we packed more “magic” into those days than a Harry Potter marathon. Chas’ conference went swimmingly (pun intended), and the boys had the time of their lives. Now, I’m in California wrapping up work for Prep2Prep, but honestly, my brain is still somewhere between Cinderella’s Castle and the Pacific Ocean.

Let’s pause for a moment to talk about the Hilton Daytona Beach. If you’re ever in need of a place to stay there—and frankly, why wouldn’t you be?—I can’t recommend it highly enough. The location is perfection itself: smack dab in the middle of the boardwalk area, with nine restaurants (yes, nine!), a lovely pool area, and views of the Atlantic so stunning they could make a poet weep. Our room overlooked the ocean, which made mornings feel like something out of a travel brochure. Sure, we had a couple of minor hiccups—the TV decided to stage a rebellion, and we needed a fridge for the baby’s milk—but the staff swooped in like superheroes to save the day. Honestly, you could spend your entire trip within the resort’s confines and leave feeling utterly content. A heartfelt THANK YOU to the Hilton Daytona Beach for making our stay unforgettable!

Now let’s talk about Cub—our resident Aqua Lad. This child was in his element at the beach. I wasted precious packing space on sand toys only to discover he had no interest in them whatsoever. His sole focus? The water. Waves crashing? No problem. Surf pounding? Bring it on. He ran back and forth through the surf like he was auditioning for Baywatch: Toddler Edition. And when he wasn’t frolicking in the ocean, he was in the pool—so much so that his eyes turned red from all the chlorine. Did that stop him? Of course not. Cub has mastered holding his breath underwater to such an alarming degree that strangers started looking concerned.

Then there’s Oz, our little trooper-in-training. He’s teetering on the brink of major mobility—Labor Day will likely mark the start of our new life as full-time wranglers of two mobile children. On this trip, though, he was content to nap on the beach while I dug him a little shady spot in the sand like some sort of makeshift crib architect. He enjoys water too but prefers splashing over swimming—a distinction that makes him slightly less nerve-wracking than his older brother (for now). Flying with him wasn’t terrible this time around, but once he starts moving? Game over.

As this marathon of travel winds down, I find myself staring down the imminent arrival of school season with mixed emotions. On one hand, I know these moments with my young family are fleeting—Cub will be off to school before I know it, and then it’s all downhill from there (kidding… mostly). On the other hand, there’s something comforting about returning to normalcy after two years of pregnancies and ear infections throwing us off course. This year feels promising—straightforward even—and I’m optimistic it’ll be our best one yet.

But for now? Two more days on the road before I can collapse into my own bed and declare this epic journey complete!

 

Trials and Tribulations

AutismMy journey in motherhood has been winding and bumpy. At first it was a breeze. Pregnancy with Cub was textbook. I went into labor naturally. I pushed twice, and he popped out with a perfect head and 20 digits. The first year went by in a flash, and we went to Walt Disney World to celebrate our first year as a young family with an ever growing baby boy.

It was our second trip to WDW where things started to change. (Just a quick comment here: I am not placing blame on WDW, but rather using our trips as mile markers. Glad I cleared that up! Wouldn’t want WDW to get a bad rap on my behalf.) It was in October of 2016. Cub was just over 15 months old and had started daycare in August. When we returned home for Florida, we both got bad colds, I assumed from germs on the plane and at WDW. Cub’s cold didn’t go away until we finally got him on medication in January. It wasn’t anything serious, runny nose, annoying little cough, stuff like that. But I specifically remember the first time the doctor said he had fluid in his ears. I thought nothing of this really, because he didn’t have an ear infection. Little did I know this would seriously change the course of Cub’s childhood.

By April 2017, my kid was no longer talking. He used to say Mama and Dada, Dada work, all kinds of cute little baby things, but he was different. We took him for general developmental testing where they determined that Cub was not hearing at all. After a variety of doctor’s appointments, we ended up getting tubes put in his ears in May of 2017. We hoped that this would take care of the problem quickly and we would be back on track.

Come October 2017, and we were seeing NO improvement. In fact Cub wasn’t saying anything at all. He was having behavioral problems at school (climbing fences, taking off his clothes) and I was beside myself, begging the developmental team to help us figure out where to go next. We developed a plan and executed it beautifully. It turned out that the more physical activity and play that Cub participated in, the more verbal he became. At our 2.5 year check up, our pediatrician suggested that we schedule an appointment with a developmental pediatrician in Wichita to get a little more analysis on why cub still wasn’t talking like his peers. The sensory processing initiatives that we were implementing seemed to be working well, but he still wasn’t saying words or sentences. She was booking about 4 months out, so we patiently waited for April to come and to meet with her.

I am not going to rehash what went on with our family from January of 2017-January 2018 in regards to other babies. 2017 was undoubtedly the most challenging year of my life and naturally some of that stress is pasted on to your children, no matter how hard you try to shield them from it.( Feel free to go back in my blog posts to see what happened with both Quinn and Oz, if you don’t already know the story.)

Finally in April of this year, we met with Dr. Valarie Kerschen at Wesley Medical Center in Wichita. After an almost 2 hour appointment, we left with hope that she would get us on the right track. Cub was doing quite a bit better than in 2017, but we still weren’t getting consistent words out of him. After a routine test by the dev. team here in Hays for his annual dev. profile, it was determined that Cub probably was not hearing again. I immediately called the ENT and got him in the next week.

Thank goodness for the ENT. She wanted to be very aggressive with treatment, because she knew what we were going through with Dr. Kerschen. He was hearing almost nothing at all, so she put us on a very strong antibiotic and wanted to see us back in 3 weeks. She also ordered an xray of his adenoids, which showed an enlargement. Fortunately when we went back to see them, he was hearing near perfectly, and we felt like we were back on track. He was also a different kid, imitating us and people around us, making new noises almost constantly, and following directions much better.

We had met with the Part B team prior to our second visit with Dr. Kerschen, and so Cub’s IEP was in place and ready for him to start in the fall. Everyone was in agreement that we were moving in the right direction and that Cub was making tons of progress.

June 5th… One of the worst days of my parenting life. At our second appointment with Dr. Kerschen, she announces that my son… MY SON… has autism. I wanted to scream and cry and yell at her for even thinking that. You want to know why? Because I know that is NOT the case.

On paper, maybe. But in real life, no chance. He is the smarted 2 year old you have ever met, physically gifted beyond belief and saying new words and phrases daily at this point. I honestly think we are simply the product of the perfect storm of events. Socialization and his ear problems started at the same time. We don’t know how long adenoids had been an issue, but once we got those taken care of this spring, my son has been a difference person. There are so many positive signs. No repetitive behavior. He’s not odd socially. He just likes to play by himself. I don’t like people. Why does he have to like people?!?

My new mission is life is to prove this doctor wrong. A label like Autism is devastating for a family, and to throw it around casually would be irresponsible of a doctor. Sensory issues, maybe, but Autism, NO WAY.

I’ve decided to chronicle our journey here, because, well I can, and because I am sure that there are other parents that have fought this same fight. I’m taking a stand for my kid, and we are going to work so hard that when we go back to see Dr. Kerschen in 2019, she will have no choice but to reverse the diagnosis. That is my crusade, and I won’t stop until we make it happen.

May 24, 2018

What a week!

I feel like this is the first week in quite some time that we haven’t had any definitive plans. School’s finally out. We are closing in on Memorial Day, which if you ask me is the start of summer. The days are warm, and I have a project that I have been trying to finish up in our detached garage out back. I decided that I needed an outdoor living room. Don’t ask me why I though this. I guess I wanted the kids to be outside more?

The boys and I are heading to Disney World next week for a few magical days with Mom and Krissy (my sister). I am so excited for a little break from home, and I think Cub is the perfect age to take. He’s not yet 3, so he’s still free but old enough and tall enough to ride a lot of fun rides. Plus he totally believes in magic, and it’s so fun to feed into that right now.

I’m sitting in the laundromat while I write this, because my washer is broken. It’s so annoying to have to drag 4 people’s laundry across town for a wash, then the opposite direction to dry, but what can I do until it gets fixed!? While I sit here, a lady brought in her dog that won’t stop barking, and she is talking ridiculously loud on her phone. I want to smack her! Have some respect! I come here for piece and quiet!

I’m working on a few new things that I am very excited about. I hope to tell you about them soon. After the year and a half that I have had, I need something to look forward too.

March 4th, 2018

Today was a beautiful, windy, Kansas day. We started the day with coffee and a trip to Home Depot to pick out a new storm door. After lunch, we went for a walk up by the baseball field. We spend some time watching the game, and wandered around the neighborhood. It was an awesome afternoon, and the boys were so good.

About 5:30 though, everything changed. All the sudden Cub walked over to Chas and vomited everywhere! I ran him into the bathroom where it happened a few more time, then threw him in the bath. While I was helping Cub, Chas yelled for the thermometer, and come to find out, Oz had. 101 fever! What the heck!

A wonderful day quickly turned into a very long night.

March 2nd, 2018

What a strange day it has been! Up at 4 with Oz again, as he was having a lot of trouble with a stuffy nose, and in turn breastfeeding was near impossible. After heating him up a bottle, he ate then proceeded to projectile vomit the entire amount on me.

He had his 2 month check up at 11 and had to get 3 shots. No fun at all! In fact, he had LOST weight since put weight check last Friday! Ugh!

Shortly after lunch, I heard sirens and looked out to see 2 ambulances, 4 cop cars, a sheriff and what looked like a detective at my next door neighbor’s house. I think she died, but not for sure. Crazy, and very sad.

March 1st, 2018

A day I would hope to start out with my first run post-pregnancy turned out to be a day spend on the couch. Oz and I both have a terrible cold. I was up with him most the night, and both of us are wildly uncomfortable, needing nose wiping and coughing up a storm.

I somehow managed to do a load of laundry, and cook some bacon for dinner while Cub danced to Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber videos on YouTube. Someone taught him to do the twist, and now he is twisting up a storm!

Taxes are weighing heavy on me because of medical bills, etc. I know I’ll figure it out, but boy is there lots of stress related to it.

I have been dying all day for chocolate, but since I can’t eat chocolate (I am now Dairy and Soy free because of Oz), I feel deprived and angry. Exactly why I need to run! Something’s gotta give!

I’m not faking being sick

Today is a really hard day. Today is Quinn’s birthday. I have a 5 week old baby that wouldn’t be here if she was. That’s a really hard concept to grasp. It’s perfect and not fair all at the same time.

I read a quote today that said, “I’m not faking being sick. I’m faking being well.” A lot of days that is how I feel. I could talk to someone/people about it, but I don’t want to. No one understands like a mother. And the biggest problem is that this sort of pain will never go away. I will always think about what I lost: the sleepless nights, the bows and dresses, the pigtails and the pink and purple. All of it.

It’s not fair, but it’s the way it’s supposed to be.

Oz is awesome. He is a good baby. He grunts and yells. He is so small. I just love him to pieces. But he’s not my Quinn.

More about Oz in posts to come, but for now, I am just going to wallow in my sorrow for a while.