Today is a really hard day. Today is Quinn’s birthday. I have a 5 week old baby that wouldn’t be here if she was. That’s a really hard concept to grasp. It’s perfect and not fair all at the same time.
I read a quote today that said, “I’m not faking being sick. I’m faking being well.” A lot of days that is how I feel. I could talk to someone/people about it, but I don’t want to. No one understands like a mother. And the biggest problem is that this sort of pain will never go away. I will always think about what I lost: the sleepless nights, the bows and dresses, the pigtails and the pink and purple. All of it.
It’s not fair, but it’s the way it’s supposed to be.
Oz is awesome. He is a good baby. He grunts and yells. He is so small. I just love him to pieces. But he’s not my Quinn.
More about Oz in posts to come, but for now, I am just going to wallow in my sorrow for a while.
Volleyball season ended mid-November, and it seemed like the let-down of the season allowed a flood of terrible pregnancy symptoms to attack me at every turn. Let’s go in chronological order, shall we?
Week 26– Volleyball Ends
27 & 3– Mid-morning contractions start, strong enough that I can’t talk through them. They are regular in their spacing, and Chas took me to the hospital about 1pm. He of course was preparing to leave for a tournament in Kearney, NE, that night. They checked me. I was dialated to 1, and they eventually let me go home but told me to spend the weekend in bed just taking it easy.
29 & 3– Did not sleep a wink. Woke up to Cub screaming about 11:30pm, and proceeded to be up the rest of the night because of terrible pain in my left side. I honestly thought I might have kidney stones or an impacted bowel. It was terrible! Finally, after I got Cub back to sleep about 4, I ended up driving myself to the ER, where they immediately send me to Labor and Delivery. I was there till almost 10 am, and they sent me home, telling me I just had round ligament pain… I mean, honestly!!
29 & 6 – After going for a drive to look at Christmas lights, I came home to very strong contractions at about 2:30 mins apart. I proceeded to take Tylenol and Benadryl as I had been instructed to do, and went to bed, hoping to sleep it off.
Week 30– The reason my mom came was to see my 30 week ultrasound, scheduled for December 5th or the day I reached 30 weeks. She woke up with a stomach flu, and Chas, Cub and I proceeded to the hospital for my sonogram. After a few measurements, the radiologist told me that she was sending me upstairs to my doctor, because she was getting a shorter than normal measurement on my cervix. My doctor sent me back down to Labor and Delivery because of the fact that I had been having contractions. After another internal sonogram, it was determined that I was in pre-term labor. Due to the nature of Hay’s hospital only being a Level 3, I was quickly told that They were going to start me on magnesium to try to stop labor, give me steroids to try to develop baby’s lungs, and I was going to be choppered to Wesley Medical Center in Wichita, where the NICU could care for the baby assuming I delivered.
I spent the next 6 days in the hospital, in and out of labor and delivery, but no baby. It was determined I could leave the hospital, but Hays Med would not take me back until I reached 34 weeks.
33 & 1– Here I sit, at my brother’s house in Wichita, writing this post. No baby yet, thank goodness, but without my husband and eldest son. I have 6 more days to wait it out until I can go back home to my own bed, my dogs, my cat, and my regular life. My Christmas plans were foiled. New Years is just another day, as I won’t get to kiss my love at midnight. I will, however, get to drive home to my family.
This has been one of the hardest months of my life, to top off the absolute worst year of my life. I am convinced that if I am still alive come January 1, 2018, I will undoubtedly be able to make it through just about anything. The best part of the last month is that we still do not have a little baby. He needs to stay in there and cook a few more weeks, so every day we get through is a good day for him.
I continue to have contractions for a majority of most days, and I have eaten more Tums in the past 7 months than anyone in the world… It will all be worth it for a happy, healthy baby boy.
As I sit here this morning watching coverage of Hurricanes Irma and Jose, images of 9/11, and my son playing in the foreground, the fact that I am extremely lucky does not escape me. We are safe, dry, warm and happy here in Hays, Kansas. I have food to feed my pets and family. We have cars to get us where we need to go, and this warm cup of coffee makes for a great start to my day. Granted, this baby in my belly sure is making my stomach growl right now, but I plan to get up and take care of that in a few minutes.
My heart breaks for the people in Florida that are waking up to devastation. I have to remind myself that the people who dealt with Harvey two weeks ago continue to wake up and deal with it. These people will be stronger because of their resilience. While I know they don’t have much of a choice, I applaude them for pushing through what has to be one of the hardest times of their lives.
I have many friends in Florida, some that I know well, and some that don’t even know that they are friends of mine. That sounds weird. Let me clarify. We are social media friends. I enjoy seeing posts of their kids, adventures and business successes. We might not know each other personally, but I am rooting for them and thinking about them during this very hard time.
9/11 was one of the most defining days of my life, and not only because of the tragedy that struck that day. The sense of comradery that we felt as Americans was so comforting. After 16 years, I am still reminded of it every time I see the images of that day, and when tragedy strikes again, as with Harvey and Irma, I love seeing people in our country go out of their way to help their neighbors.
While I wish I could take off and go help clean up in these areas that are hardest hit, I know that in my current state, it is best for me to manage my family, love my little boy and baby-yet-to-be-born, and make sure that I teach them about the generosity of mankind in times of need. Whether it is donating funds, offering a helping hand, taking in displaced families, or just offering up your good thoughts and prayers, I hope that we can all put aside our differences over the next few weeks to give our best to those Americans that need it right now.
I feel like I have been thinking of a million things to blog about lately. The problem is getting the time to actually write them up. Finally tonight I decided to take my Big Brother watching time and use it to write for you all. Life is changing so dramatically lately, and it’s time I filled you in.
As I am sitting here typing this, my next little boy is kicking me like crazy. That’s right. Another little boy. I can’t even remember if I announced to you all that I was pregnant again, so if I didn’t, SURPRISE! February 13th there will be another wrestler joining Team Thompson. Because of everything that happened with Quinn, I had a special test done call a Q-Natal at week 10. Besides finding out that the baby is a boy, we also found out that the baby is genetically perfect… that sounds funny to say. What I really mean is that there are no genetic abnormalities like Quinn had. Great news for us!
Speaking of Quinn, my due date was last week. And to be honest with you, I didn’t think I would get as emotional as I did. It was a very hard day, and honestly I felt it the entire week. I know she’s watching over us and making sure Cub and his new brother are safe and sound.
I have been getting into a really great routine lately working out most mornings. My friend Melanie and I have running and walking together. She is 7 weeks post-delivery, and at week 14 of my pregnancy, it’s great to have someone to stay in shape with. I am sure it won’t last forever, as I get bigger and the weather gets chillier, but for the time being I am enjoying it so much! It’s great to have a little adult conversation, commiserate about “mom things” and of course get a good workout in. A Best Running Friend makes the nastiness that can be a hard workout a lot easier!
The year 2017 has been filled with a lot of heartache, as far as I am concerned. As summer approaches, I continue to hope for better things on the horizon, and I think they are out there. We have had some interesting developments since my last post, so I decided I would take a few minutes to share them with you.
Fact #1:
Cub got tubes in his ears about a month ago. A year ago, he was learning new words and talking like a champ. Once he started daycare in August, it was like he was a totally different kid. He (we) have constantly been sick since he started, and according to the ENT, all that build up created big problems for my little man. 4 weeks post-surgery, and I have a different kid. He can hear, is making new sounds daily, and is quickly turning from a baby into a big boy.
Fact #2:
Our baby was a girl. Chas and I had the opportunity to visit with a Geneticist a few weeks back and definitely got some reassurance that going forward with our family plan was the right thing to do. We also confirmed that our baby was a girl, which I knew all along anyway.
Fact #3:
Dealing with something like a miscarriage never goes away. It just takes different forms. Some days are fine, other days torture, and I constantly worry about the future, but it still only comes one day at a time. Cub quite often stares into space and will just start laughing hysterically, and I know it is Quinn making her presence known. Cub is so lucky to have a guardian angel like her.
Fact #4:
The work/life balance never gets easier. I am up at 5 am everyday because I get some of my best stuff done prior to the boys getting up at about 7 am. My “mom time” is probably the best part of my day in most cases, and its great to start the day with Cub and Chas knowing that I have already put in a few hours of uninterrupted work. Plus I get to watch the sun come up, drink my coffee and listen to the latest Adam Carolla Show podcast with no background noise. It really is marvelous. It does, however, make me worthless after about 6 pm. Once dinner is done, maybe we fit in a walk, and then I am ready to hit the hay.
With lots of summer events coming up, I am doing my best to stay organized and keep everyone on track. I would like to do a fall half marathon, so that is something to look forward to. I hope you all have a great start to the summer!
I’m not a religious person. I never have been, and I can pretty much guarantee after our latest trial and tribulation, I never will be. But I do believe in being blessed. Whoever, or whatever, you think blesses you is one thing. I tend to think that your character determines your experiences, hence giving you blessings or challenges to overcome. Some are one in the same. That is the situation Chas and I currently find ourselves in.
Two weeks ago, we were on top of the world. I was 13 weeks pregnant with Baby T #2, who we saw squirm and wiggle in my belly just a few days earlier. After hearing the heartbeat and seeing that little baby move, I actually said out loud, “I am so in trouble! I can’t have a baby that moves more than the one I already have!” But that seemed to be the case. The baby crossed it’s legs, straightened all the way out, and did quarter turns in my uterus throughout the entire ultrasound. We went home thrilled. Thrilled that we could give Cub a sibling, and excited that summer would bring a new member to the family.
Even better about this whole situation, we were getting ready to head to Ohio to see all my family, and couldn’t wait to share the good news. My doctor had said that once you hear that heartbeat at 12 weeks there is only a 3% chance of miscarriage, which makes any mother’s heart leap for joy. We went to Ohio and told everyone that would stand to listen to us. I was fortunate enough to be inducted into my high school’s athletic hall of fame as well, so many family friends surrounded us over our few short days home. We were on cloud nine.
On our way home, I received a call saying that the Radiologist had seen something a little strange on the ultrasound, and they thought it best for me to head 3 hours away to Wichita and have a fetal specialist take a look. Knowing how much that baby was moving, I agreed, assuming that they just didn’t get a good enough look because of the the movement. Boy was I wrong…
Chas is in the middle of his wrestling season, so getting away for anything this time of year is really hard for him. Not thinking this was much to worry about, I had decided to go alone to my appointment. But at the last minute, my mom decided to drive out the day before and attend with me. I told her not to, because it was at least 12 hours each way for her, but she insisted, and I was secretly SOOOOOO happy. We stayed in a hotel the night before and got up early the next day. After packing up, we decided to go get some donuts, and sat down with a half dozen, splitting them all and picking out our favorites.
I signed in at the doctor’s office, filled out years of paperwork, and waited to be called back. I was excited to have another ultrasound and see that little baby move again. They eventually came and got us, but to my dismay, a nurse decided to take my entire history during the actual ultrasound. When she was done, which seemed mighty quick, I left feeling dissatisfied, like I had been robbed of the chance to see my baby because of the millions of questions I spent the entire time answering. The nurse escorted us to a room, and we proceeded to wait for the doctor to come in, which took almost an hour. Yes, a full hour.
Dr. Margaret O’Hara came into the room looking serious but soft, and immediately indicated that she didn’t have great news for us and was glad my mom had come with me. She proceeded to tell us that the fluid the radiologist had see on our baby’s spine in the first ultrasound was actually a disease called Cystic Hygroma. I won’t bore you with the details, but in many cases it resolves itself, but can sometimes be associated with a genetic disease like Turner’s or Downs Syndrome. My mind raced a little, but this was my baby she was talking about, and I knew in my heart we would be able to handle any issues that came our way.
Dr. O’Hara then said 2 words I will never forget- Hydrops Fetalis. She explained that some babies with Cystic Hygroma develop Fetal Hydrops, which causes fluid build up around organs like the heart, which is what happened to our little baby, causing it’s heart to stop, robbing us of ever being able to hug, cuddle or love on our 2nd little baby. I can’t explain to you how that moment felt. It’s unexplainable. I never want to remember it, but I know I will never be able to forget it. We had just seen that baby move a few days earlier.
Along with all this came a surgery last week, lots of heart ache and grieving, and a LOT of blessing counting. I am so happy that Chas and I got to see that little baby the week before, moving and showing off just for us. While we aren’t lucky enough to ever get to hold our sweet little Quinn, it makes me hold my Cubby so much tighter. It has made our marriage stronger, and I think we both see our family and future in a different light now.
I want to and don’t want to forget what has happened, and that is my reason for documenting it here on my blog. This is a really important part of my life now, and while it won’t define me, or us as a couple, the impact it has had, and will have, is tremendous.
Hug your babies a little tighter. Remember to cherish the small moments, and never take for granted the opportunities that you are given.
The day after that doctor’s visit, Chas had a home dual that I decided to attend, but hide high up in the coliseum. On my way to the dual, I thought about naming our baby. We heard that heartbeat and saw that baby dance, and it just seemed appropriate. I heard this song, and it pretty much sealed the deal. In honor of our Mighty little Quinn Lavelle, I hope you take a few minutes to listen.
We made it to week 40! The big 4-0. It is a comforting feeling, because I know that the growth of Baby T is complete. On the other hand, I have been pregnant for forty week people. And not with just any baby: Chas Thompson’s baby. Those of you that know my husband know him as a noise maker, a wiggler, a wrestler (obviously), but a very sweet guy. Well I may not have met him yet, but I can tell you my son is just like his father, besides the fact that I am fairly certain he will wrestle at 197 or heavyweight based on his and my size at this point! At 34 weeks he was almost 7 lbs already… Yeah.
I am so in love with my husband, but he paces around the house when he is thinking hard or talking on the phone. He is constantly making noise like water dripping, or randomly singing out of nowhere and scaring the living daylights out of me (he has even made the baby jump before). Like his father, my unborn son does not stop moving. I have actually asked the nurse at my prenatal appointments if there is a point when you worry about your baby moving too much. I swear he will come out and be like Dash from The Incredibles, his little legs never slowing down. It’s like hyperactivity disorder in the womb! But in the end, I think he is just a happy boy that likes hanging out with him mom everyday.
When you first get pregnant, you know that week 40 is your goal. If you can cook that baby to week 40, you can relax a little bit, because growth should be done by that point. But for all women who have ever had a baby, you realize how much a marathon this process is. Let’s start from the beginning shall we?
At the beginning of the race, you are excited! You have you number on and are waiting in your corral, and if you are at Disney, you get to see fireworks as you cross the start line. Pregnancy… well I will just leave it at that.
The first few weeks, like the first few miles, you are getting your groove, getting used to the idea that you will be running for hours on end or carrying this baby for months. You feel fairly good as you get your stride, and are excited that you have something to look forward to: the finish line.
After about mile 4-5 (week 6-7 of pregnancy), you start wondering why you are doing this. You have so far to go. At Disney, you aren’t even to the Magic Kingdom yet! You need food and fuel, but you sort of feel like you might spew at any minute, but you force down that gel anyway. Really you just kinda wanna lay down. This is called the first trimester, and it lasts until about mile 8 or so.
From mile 8 to mile 18 (week 13-27), things start to go numb. Things hurt occasionally, but you are sort of in your groove, and the crowd of excited fans has finally thinned out a little bit. You realize that there is no turning back now, so you are basically just going through the motions attempting to make it to the next mile (or milestone). With every gel, your energy level increases for a bit, and you feel like you can actually accomplish something here.
Once you hit mile 20 (week 30ish), you know that you have only a few more to go before you get to see that finish line. You are once again excited and rejuvenated, but at the same time, your body hurts so bad that it is hard to concentrate on finishing. You know you will and can, but sometimes you just want to stop and cry, asking yourself why in God’s name did you sign up to do this in the first place!
The last month of pregnancy is pretty much identical to the last .2 miles of a marathon. It takes forever to get there, and you are sure that you were probably in such a daze you ran right past the finish, just continued to keep running and missed it, because there is no way in hell that .2 miles takes this long to run. Yep, that is pregnancy after week 36. You know what is coming. You are constantly in pain with a foot in your rib, nerve pain that cripples you at the drop of a hat, and peeing 14 times a night. You know this is what you have been working for these past nine months, but the ending is so unpredictable that you are still nervous.
I know at some point I will make it to the finish line. We aren’t there quite yet. And like getting that nice shiny medal, my little baby will be the prize at the end of a long race. And oddly enough, I will probably be walking the same as if I had finished a marathon when he finally gets here. I am also fairly certain that when I see him, as when you finish a race, I will forget about how horrible the full experience really was and probably sign up for another. However, I am telling my husband that we are never doing this again…
38 weeks… That is how far along I will be tomorrow morning. Baby has decided to grow by leaps and bounds since my last post, and I am now measuring over 40 weeks, even though we have not reached that milestone week yet. Life has gotten significantly harder since week 30… ah those were the good ole days!
I can’t walk anymore, because I have so much nerve pain in my pelvic area and legs. Oh, and not to mention a nasty limp when I do walk. My hands and face are swollen. Not even my maternity clothes fit me anymore, and waistbands are out of the question. What does that leave for daily attire? Basically just muumuus. I pee about 3 times an hour, and go through a least 1 roll of toilet paper every 2 days. The baby is constantly moving, and burrowing his head into places that make my life a living hell.
But I still love the little guy, and I really can’t wait to meet him. Everything is pretty much ready for him to arrive. The nursery is done. We have an installed car seat. Hospital bags are packed. All attending parties are on call in case of something happening at any hour of the day. I am pretty much just counting down the days now.
My days seem very long as a person who works from home. Like I have said before on here, I am so lucky to be able to do that, but when you feel miserable often, the days tend to drag on a bit. So what did I do? I started a calendar of what I am going to do everyday until he is born. Here are a few great example:
June 14th- Clean out kitchen cabinets
June 18th- Vacuum and dust the baby’s room, Wash all the curtains in the house
June 23rd- Appointment with Dr. Fort, Clean the bathroom
Exciting, I know. Now, if I can actually get any of these accomplished, that is a totally different story, but I am sure as hell going to try!
The hardest part of all of this is that I have been having urges to run. Like CRAZY urges. Part of this running year, or most of this running year has been spent not running. That’s ok. I have to grow a little baby, and that is much more important right now. But wow, I can’t wait to get back out there. And best of all, I have a really great jogging stroller to try out too!
When you are running a marathon, you have a lot of time to compute things in your head, assuming you are still conscious enough to do it. I love math, so attempting to calculate what percentage of a race I have left is sort of a regular in my repetriore of things to think about while running.
Naturally, as my pregnancy has progressed, I tend to do the same thing. We hit the 3rd trimester about a week and a half ago, which was huge. The chance of baby surviving outside of the womb is about 90% now, which is so encouraging, especially since it takes 6 full months for him to even be viable in there.
As of Saturday, I will be able to say that we are 3/4th of the way done! And if you have seen any of my other posts throughout my pregnancy, you know that I am certainly looking forward to the end, not because I get to meet my little guy (although I am excited about that), but because I have been fairly miserable my entire pregnancy. Every day it is something else, and I tend to have more bad days that good. I literally couldn’t walk almost the entire weekend because I was having such bad muscle (stretching) pain in my groin. It feels like someone is stabbing me with a knife, NO JOKE!
It’s funny that my little guy is now on sort of a schedule, even pre-birth. He always kicks me a few times between 7-7:30 in the morning, before Chas’ alarm goes. He is the first to let me know that I am hungry. In the evening when Chas gets home, he always let’s me know that he is aware of it, and best of all, he likes music now. I have been playing a variety of things for him, but so far is favorite song is Crimson and Clover. It is pretty cool to go through, but all the while painful.
As we continue to get closer to delivery day, and I get larger and larger, the excitement and fear grows. He will be here soon, and there is still so many things to do, trips to take, and moments to remember. It’s going to be a fun ride.
There are many milestones in a pregnancy, and again, I don’t think they are talked about enough. The first is just getting that positive test. For some people, this takes a lot of time, energy, money, and for some it never happens. We were extremely fortunate, and it happened with little effort.
The next milestone is the end of the first trimester, when the chance of miscarriage decreases to something like 7%. Again, while my first trimester was rough, we met and exceeded this milestone easily.
In my opinion, as seldom talked about mile stone is the 24 week mark. Once you hit 24 weeks, the pregnancy is finally viable, and the baby could technically survive outside the womb. We are four short days away from this mark.
You would logically think that it should be all down hill from here. If something happens, your baby can be born. You are only 3 short months away from the birth. But there problem here is that the baby is only about one pound right now. That means that over the course of the next 16 weeks, The baby could gain somewhere between 4-7 more pounds, making the mom’s job even harder!
My current experience is that I continue to get hungrier and hungrier, but I have less and less space to hold anything extra. That’s good, because my baby is growing big and strong, but it is getting more uncomfortable every day. Even though I am feeling less and less like myself, I am very excited that our last ultrasound showed that we are having a little boy.
We are getting closer and closer, but for an expectant mama, it seems like it is taking WAY TO LONG!
I read a quote today that said, “I’m not faking being sick. I’m faking being well.” A lot of days that is how I feel. I could talk to someone/people about it, but I don’t want to. No one understands like a mother. And the biggest problem is that this sort of pain will never go away. I will always think about what I lost: the sleepless nights, the bows and dresses, the pigtails and the pink and purple. All of it.
The last month of my life has been a whirl wind.
As I sit here this morning watching coverage of Hurricanes Irma and Jose, images of 9/11, and my son playing in the foreground, the fact that I am extremely lucky does not escape me. We are safe, dry, warm and happy here in Hays, Kansas. I have food to feed my pets and family. We have cars to get us where we need to go, and this warm cup of coffee makes for a great start to my day. Granted, this baby in my belly sure is making my stomach growl right now, but I plan to get up and take care of that in a few minutes.
The year 2017 has been filled with a lot of heartache, as far as I am concerned. As summer approaches, I continue to hope for better things on the horizon, and I think they are out there. We have had some interesting developments since my last post, so I decided I would take a few minutes to share them with you.
The first few weeks, like the first few miles, you are getting your groove, getting used to the idea that you will be running for hours on end or carrying this baby for months. You feel fairly good as you get your stride, and are excited that you have something to look forward to: the finish line.
From mile 8 to mile 18 (week 13-27), things start to go numb. Things hurt occasionally, but you are sort of in your groove, and the crowd of excited fans has finally thinned out a little bit. You realize that there is no turning back now, so you are basically just going through the motions attempting to make it to the next mile (or milestone). With every gel, your energy level increases for a bit, and you feel like you can actually accomplish something here.
Running From Everything 