Category Archives: My Life

Change is good…

I am happy to have experienced all that I have gone through in my 28 years. I have learned what I like, what I don’t like, and what I want out of life. Oddly enough, it’s not a man, a fancy car, or wealth. It is simply to be happy. Oh, and I want my dog there too. As long as we are happy, nothing else matters. It has taken me a while to realize what it is that will make me happy, but after countless tears, mistakes, and calls to my poor mother, I have decided that I need just a few things to make me happy. Here they are:

1. My dog Lucy

2. Warmth- sun and beautiful days

3. Color, from the land, my space, and me

4. A place to run

5. Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches

6. My cell phone, mostly to call my mom

7. A job where I feel important and wanted

8. Netflix

That’s it. 8 things. An occasional piece of chocolate cake, a Starbucks, and  a car would help too, but I didn’t want to sound needy. 🙂

My Nervous Breakdown

As an athlete, I like to think that my body will tell me everything I need to know. If I ate too much, my body responds. If I haven’t had enough sleep, my body response. If I am under too much stress, my body responds. I can’t get away with treating myself badly. I am also a massive Type A personality, so I try to control everything I possibly can. I’ve been anorexic before…I do not respond well to stressors.

Lately, I have been under major stress. Like shoot yourself in the head to get it over with stress. Yesterday, I broke. I had an anxiety attack. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I couldn’t catch my breath. I wanted to vomit. Everything just came to a head. Today, I feel better about the situation, but I have an awful head cold! It just doesn’t pay to be under so much stress. It’s not good! You pay consequences. I know better than to hold all my feelings in, but sometimes you feel totally alone. Sometimes you just want to leave and runaway.

I am trying to pull myself back together. Marathon training starts today, and I am very excited about it. I want to run. I want to feel healthy, and I want to be the person I dream of becoming… Only I can make it happen.

Having Some Troubles…

I am lonely. That is weird to say to the world on a blog, but it is true. About 8 months ago, I decided to leave a job where my colleagues were my friends. Not only did I hang out with them at work, but after work too. I had an identity there. I had my own house there. I had a fence and a yard. I had friends, and people I considered family there. And I left. For a guy.

Now, I am getting my Master’s degree, working over 75 hours a week, and questioning everything about my life. In October, this guy, who I still love dearly, got a DUI. I’ve never been ok with his drinking. He’s a very social guy. I understand that, but drinking has never been a part of my life. After the DUI, I was a mess. Since that happened, I have been struggling to pay my bills, and keep my head above water. He took some alcohol classes, with the last one being 2 nights ago. I thought we were in the clear.

Last night, I got home from class at 8 pm. He told me he was going to a coach’s meeting… at a brewery. I had fixed dinner right before I went to class, so when I got home, I was expecting the food to be put away, the kitchen to be cleaned up, and the dogs to be fed. None of this had happened, so I was already mad that I had to do it all myself. I went to bed.

At 2 am, I awoke to the TV in the bedroom, coming on, blaring. I was mad. He told me he wouldn’t be out late. He told me he wouldn’t drink, and now I was awake.

When I went out to get ready for work, my kitchen was a disaster. My front door was open. His car was not in the drive way. I don’t know whether to be happy because he didn’t drive and no one broke into our house, or mad because he is falling into the same behavior that had gotten us in this mess in the first place.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t have friends here to lean on. I don’t have family here either. I feel very lost.