I am lonely. That is weird to say to the world on a blog, but it is true. About 8 months ago, I decided to leave a job where my colleagues were my friends. Not only did I hang out with them at work, but after work too. I had an identity there. I had my own house there. I had a fence and a yard. I had friends, and people I considered family there. And I left. For a guy.

Now, I am getting my Master’s degree, working over 75 hours a week, and questioning everything about my life. In October, this guy, who I still love dearly, got a DUI. I’ve never been ok with his drinking. He’s a very social guy. I understand that, but drinking has never been a part of my life. After the DUI, I was a mess. Since that happened, I have been struggling to pay my bills, and keep my head above water. He took some alcohol classes, with the last one being 2 nights ago. I thought we were in the clear.

Last night, I got home from class at 8 pm. He told me he was going to a coach’s meeting… at a brewery. I had fixed dinner right before I went to class, so when I got home, I was expecting the food to be put away, the kitchen to be cleaned up, and the dogs to be fed. None of this had happened, so I was already mad that I had to do it all myself. I went to bed.

At 2 am, I awoke to the TV in the bedroom, coming on, blaring. I was mad. He told me he wouldn’t be out late. He told me he wouldn’t drink, and now I was awake.

When I went out to get ready for work, my kitchen was a disaster. My front door was open. His car was not in the drive way. I don’t know whether to be happy because he didn’t drive and no one broke into our house, or mad because he is falling into the same behavior that had gotten us in this mess in the first place.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t have friends here to lean on. I don’t have family here either. I feel very lost.